Deleted post

If you follow me closely, you will notice that a particular post has been deleted. It was brought to my attention that I had inadvertently put bad and hurtful misinformation in the post, so I deleted it and I will be taking time to educate myself about that issue.

On the Chosen Family and Mark 3:20-35

For the last couple of months, I have been a part of a course called "Queering the Bible".  As a final project (so to speak), I wrote a sermon based on Mark 3:20-35.  I was able to read it to the group, and I wanted to share it here.

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It is a truism that humans are, by nature, social animals.  We tend to seek out other people so that we can maintain a connection outside of ourselves, to find someone to help us when we are in trouble, or to find someone that we can help.  For much of history, the family has been the most basic social group that has existed.  Whether it be parents and their children or whole generations living together, the family has been an important part of various societies.

Depending on where you live, a family name may very well completely influence the life you lead.  Think about America today.  We have families whose members are famous for no other reason than their family name.  The Kennedy’s, the Bush’s, the Kardashians’, and other families have a national importance that has outlasted the people who made the name famous in the first place.  If you look on a local level, I am sure you can think of other families in your area whose name carries a weight that maybe it shouldn’t because the family did something great in the past.

In Biblical times, the family name was more important than it is now.  Think of the genealogies in Matthew and Luke tracing Jesus’ lineage back to Abraham (Matthew) or Adam (Luke).  Think of the division of Israel into tribes based on which son of Israel they were descended from.  Your lineage could determine your position in life, what types of jobs you could have, where you lived, and many other facets of your life.

In Mark 3:20-35, we see the family of Jesus wanting to take him into their custody because they believed that he was “out of his mind” (Mark 3:21) and the religious leaders said that, “He is possessed by Beelzebub! By the prince of demons, he is driving out demons.” (Mark 3:22).  So, when his family came to take possession of him and he was told that they were waiting outside, Jesus’ response was to ask the rhetorical question: “Who are my mother and my brothers?” He then responded to the question with “Here are my mother and my brothers! Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.” (Mark 3:33-35)

In this passage, Jesus is laying out the idea of what we now call “the chosen family”.  It is a family, not of blood or a legality such as adoption (hereafter termed “biological family” for convenience’s sake), but of a bond that exists due to common beliefs or characteristics.  If you think about it, most people form chosen families.  Some arise from necessity because people have been rejected by their biological families.  Others arise because people have beliefs that cause them to drift from their biological family, so they seek out a family that shares these beliefs.  Or, a chosen family may form because people are far away from home and need a support system around them.

For those of us in the queer community, the chosen family is all too often formed because of the first reason given above: rejection by the biological family.  All too often, our families reject us because they see us as “making a choice” that they disagree with.  Or maybe they don’t understand or respect our gender identity, name, or some other aspect of our lives that is not “normal”.  So we seek out others like us, people who can understand the particular struggles we face, the issues that society presents us with, or can commiserate with us when we face the prejudices that all too often face us when we exist in the world as who we truly are rather than as the world wishes us to be.

As we see in this passage, Jesus is explicitly embracing the idea that there exists the idea of a familial bond that goes beyond the bond of blood.  He embraces the idea that working together to fulfill the will of God can be a bond that forms a family.  These bonds of love and belief need to be understood through the lens of the special love Jesus had for those who were marginalized or outcast.  Throughout the Gospels, we see Jesus taking special care for people who the society of the time had rejected: lepers, Samaritans, prostitutes, and tax collectors to name a few.  Jesus was explicit in claiming these people as a part of the Kindom of God: a kindom not of power, but of Love.

God’s Love is a notion that is central to the Bible.  In the Old Testament, we see that it is seen as limited to the Israelites as God’s Chosen People.  But in the New Testament, Jesus talks of how God’s love is meant to encompass all people, regardless of whether or not they are Israelites.  He embraces and protects those who were cast out of society.  This call for a love that embrace all people regardless of what society says was, quite probably, one of Jesus’ most radical teachings.

In many ways, this sort of love asks us to go against our nature as human beings.  If you think about it, because we are social animals, we form groups and tend to see the world as “us vs. them”.  We see those outside our group as a threat to us, which may or may not be true.  The more deeply we hold to the beliefs that bind our group together, the more threatened we will feel by other groups.  But if we take Jesus’ call for an all-embracing love into account, we will embrace all people, even those we disagree with or feel threatened by.  This doesn’t mean that we have to like them or what they do, but we are called to see them as fellow children of God and to love and respect them as such.

Years ago, I read a book called Catholic & Christian by Peter Kreeft.  In it, he talks about how there are three Greek words for love in the Bible: eros, philea, and agape.  (I have since discovered there is a fourth: storge.)  I want to focus on agape.  Peter Kreeft defined agape as a perfect, self-giving love.  Agape does not depend on sentiment or how we feel at the time.  It is a love that seeks to help others, that sees that others have worth simply because they are, that does not depend on how we are feeling at the moment.  It is not a warm blanket that we can wrap ourselves in.  It is not that fuzzy feeling you get when you see someone attractive.  It is love in action.  It is love that gives because it can, not because a reward is being sought.  It can be small and seemingly insignificant, or it can be large and world changing.

Agape is often the cement that holds a chosen family together.  We love and support each other, not because we have to, but because we choose to love and support each other.  We have all been through similar experiences of having to reconcile who we are with who the world tells us we should be.  We have all experienced the rejection (or fear of rejection) that comes along with the journey of self-discovery that we embark on so that we can live our lives as our authentic selves.  While the particulars of our situations are different, the broad strokes are similar enough for all of us to be bound together in bonds of love and support.

The bonds that form a chosen family go beyond just similar beliefs and experiences.  They can also include a shared interest.  In the show Pose and the documentary Paris is Burning, we see how important chosen family could be to people who were not only not only gay/lesbian and/or transgender, but also Black or Latinx.  Houses had a parent who would serve as protectors of and mentors for young men and women who had no other family.  These families were born of necessity due to society rejecting people who transgressed societal norms.  Within both these Houses and the underground ball culture, people were free to be themselves in a place of safety and support.

While the chosen family is of particular importance to the queer community, it has spread to the wider world.  One example is “Friends-giving”, when people celebrate Thanksgiving, not with their biological family, but with friends who they feel particularly close to.  In other words, this is another form of a chosen family.  If you look at many teen dramas, they also have some form of chosen family taken place.  For example, in Dawson’s Creek, not only is there the wider chosen family of the entire group of friends, but Jen, Grams, and Jack form their own chosen family after Jack is rejected by his father after coming out.  Even though Jack and his father eventually reconcile, the bonds he forms with Jen and Grams are the strongest and most durable in his life, to the point where he calls Jen his “soulmate” in the series finale.

The most important part about a chosen family is that it is “chosen” it rather than it being assigned to us.  It is not a family we have out of obligation, but one we pick for ourselves and is based on bonds of love and affection.  With our biological families, we often feel obligated to support each other because that is what we are “supposed to do” rather than because we want to.  With a chosen family, on the other hand, we have people around us who we have made the explicit choice to make a part of our lives.  These sorts of chosen bonds can be some of the strongest bonds that exist because they are based on a conscious decision rather than being forced on us.

When I was growing up, I was part of a cult called the Mother of God Community.  Being a part of this Community was an integral part of who I was, and my entire identity was centered around it.  Any other aspect of my life, including being a part of the Catholic Church, was subordinated to my identity as a member of the Community.  When the Community came crashing down in the summer between my junior and senior years of high school, it caused me to have an identity crisis because I had never developed a sense of self that did not depend on the Community.  Subsequently, I latched onto a couple of other groups to substitute for the Community as a part of my identity.  Eventually, I realized that these groups were no better for me than the Community had been.

After college, when I realized that I was queer (I identified as gay at the time), I was thrown into another identity crisis.  The religious beliefs I had grown up with conflicted with this part of me that I had tried to deny or get rid of, but eventually had to accept lest I risk causing myself more damage than I had already done.  In the end, I ended up leaving the Catholic Church because I needed to find out who I was apart from any group.  A few years later, after I had discovered an identity that did not depend on someone else (I was 36 at this point), I decided to find a church that was affirming.  And so, I found my current church, Christ the Servant Lutheran Church in Gaithersburg, MD.

In this church, I found a chosen family that was truly healthy and good for all.  We are bound together by the bonds of love for each other and the community around us, “regardless of sex, race, national origin, sexual orientation, gender identity, physical and mental ability, age, or anything else that too often divides us.” (http://www.ctslutheranelca.org/about/)  Because the church accepted me and allowed me to be who I am without judgment, I was, for the first time, able to connect with the local queer community and meet more people to be a part of my chosen family.

I say this not to boost myself or my church, but to illustrate the complete and utter necessity of familial bonds, even if they are not bonds of blood or legality.  Over the last several years, there have been numerous young members of the queer community who have been rejected by their family and then committed suicide because they felt alone and isolated.  When someone does not have other strong bonds and their biological family rejects them, they are much more likely to commit suicide.  With the advent of social media and the greater interconnectedness that accompanies it, the percentage of queer teens who commit suicide has trended downward because there has been more acceptance, but the rate of queer youth committing suicide (or contemplating it) is still well above that of non-queer youth. (https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/news/20200210/fewer-lgbt-teens-plagued-by-suicidal-thoughts-but-rates-still-high#1)

In the Bible, Jesus calls us to love each other and to care for each other, regardless of whether or not we are related by blood (see the Parable of the Good Samaritan).  Having a chosen family is just one way we can do that.  Through this family, we can support each other, cheer each other on, uplift those who need to be uplifted, and have a connection outside ourselves that is based on love, not obligation.

Message for Queer Youth of Faith

“Come unto me, all you who labor and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon your shoulders and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart.  Here you will find rest for your souls, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  - Matthew 11:28-30, Priests for Equality, The Inclusive Bible, Sheed & Ward Kindle Edition

When I heard about the Queer Youth of Faith Day, the verses above popped into my head.  Or, to be more precise, an aria from Handel’s Messiah popped into my head and then the verses that the aria came from.

As queer people, like so many other marginalized groups, we find that we carry burdens that can make our lives harder.  Whether it is having to justify our existence, defend our right to live our lives, or many, many other areas, we are asked to shoulder heavy burdens that other people are not asked to.  This is particularly true if you are a member of a non-affirming religious group.  Often, people in non-affirming religious groups must hide who they are lest they incur the wrath of people around them.

I grew up in the Catholic church.  Like many more conservative religions, the Catholic church claims to accept people, but only if they deny who they really are.  If you are queer, you are expected to either deny who you are and enter into a heterosexual marriage or remain single with no hope of entering into a loving marriage or relationship.  These religions basically turn queer people into second class citizens and claim to “love” them.  Rather than show queer people the Love that God has for all people, they make queer people feel like they don’t belong in God’s loving embrace.

This is in stark contrast to the verses above.  As a few people in an online group I am a part of noted, these verses explicitly invite people who have been given heavy burdens to come into Jesus’ presence and to share our burden with Him.  And not just Him, but all people who are a part of the Body of Christ, i.e. the Church.  For many queer people, this is the first time we have been invited to be a part of religious group and a chance to lay down the burdens that have been foisted upon us.  We are not just tolerated, but actively invited to become a part of the Church so that we can share our burden with others and help share burdens from other people.

For anyone who is unfamiliar with a yoke, it is a tool that allows farmers to hook two animals to each other so that they can share the burden of pulling a plow so that a field can be planted.  By sharing the burden, neither animal has to work as hard as if they were pulling alone.  In a similar way, when we are there for each other, we can share the emotional and mental burdens that are a part of life.  When we are all on our own, it can be really easy to be overwhelmed by everything that is going on around us.  But, by sharing our burdens with other people, we make it harder to be overwhelmed.  And when we allow others to share their burdens with us, we help them lighten the load that they are carrying.

If we humans can help each other this way, just imagine how much God can help if we allow Them to.  I’m not saying that it will all of a sudden make everything easy peasy, but if we allow God to love us the way They want to, then it can make things easier.  And by opening ourselves to God’s Love, we also open ourselves to the love that other people can offer us.

I remember my first time entering an affirming church.  Hearing people tell me that I was a child of God and loved just as I am, having people ask me for my pronouns, and seeing signs by the bathrooms urging people to use the bathroom that best aligns with their gender identity rally gave me a sense of the love that was waiting for me.  Knowing that people were going to accept me and not tell me that I was destined for hell or looking at me like I was some sort of perverted being has helped me in more ways than I can really tell. 

Unfortunately, for a lot of people, it is really easy to feel trapped in your church, which can lead to feeling isolated, lonely, and unloved.  This is particularly true when you are a minor and your parents are insisting that you go to a church which is unwelcoming.  In this sort of situation, please find a group (like this website) that is affirming and has people who can help you,  Or if you can’t do that, try and find another adult you can trust and talk to about what is bothering you.  Finding someone to help shoulder the burden makes things a little easier.

I know one thing that helps me is to remember (as Lady Gaga says in “Born this Way”) “I’m beautiful in my own way, ‘cause God makes no mistakes.”  Another is the quote I mentioned from my church: “Know that you are a child of God and God love you just the way you are.”  We are not broken.  We are not unlovable.  We are not things to be discarded at will.  We are not evil or destined to burn in hellfire.

We are beautiful.  We are lovable and loved.  We are people and worthy of respect.  We are welcomed into God’s loving embrace at all times.  We are invited to be a part of the Church and to share our burdens and troubles with the members of the Church.

Know that YOU are a child of God and that YOU are loved EXACTLY as YOU are.

The ELCA and "Visions and Expectations"

Last week, I heard about a document called "Visions and Expectations" which was a document which was first put out in 1990 and then revised in 2010 (see link above) from the ELCA regarding people who could be ordained to the ministry.  See this link for more history.

I read the document for the first time today and was struck mainly by the footnote that said "This 'Vision and Expectations' document uses the terms 'marriage,' 'marry,' and 'married' to refer to marriage between a man and a woman." [emphasis mine]  one other thing that struck me was the way they referred to "same gender relationships", which would seem to exclude non-binary or agender people.  The final thing was the emphasis on monogamous relationships, which excludes those in faithful polyamorous relationships.

I do get that the document was written in 2010 so I can give some passes due to that.  It was before Obergefell v. Ohio and most states did not allow marriages that were not between a man and a woman to be legal.  I also get that polyamory is a complicated topic for many people.

All that being said, my hope is that the church will come out full throated for equality for all.  The recent decision of the UMC has shown that in America, there are a great many people who fully support full equality for all queer people.  In order for the church to be complete, it must allow all people to fully be a part of the life of the church.  This include queer people, this includes people in polyamorous unions, this includes using language that is open to all and doesn't exclude anyone, and this includes recognizing that the church has actively played a part in the stigmatization and oppression of different groups throughout its history.

I do recognize that another part of the reason for the timidity of the document is that there are more conservative elements within the ELCA that there are individual churches which as not welcoming to all people.  This view is not consistent with the radical love that Christ sought to bring into the world.  Jesus sought out the poor, the disenfranchised, the outcast, and brought them into the fold.  He did not try and exclude anyone from the love of God, rather he flung the doors wide open to allow all people in.  This is the sort of love that is expected of all Christians and that I expect the church to have.  This

                              is agape, a perfect, transcendent love, a love that raised the
                              mountains, created the world, and breathed life into humans.
                              A love that is transformative and validating.  A love that
                              abides no borders because it knows no borders.

This is the love we, as a church, are called to have.  And this love must extend to those who will be ministers and leaders of the church.  When you exclude people from the church, you limit who the church can reach and what will be considered because people have a much harder time talking intelligently about that which they do not know.

Added 3/11/2019-

So I just discovered that there is a new version of the document ("Trustworthy Servants of God") that I was able to read.  While it removes much of the problematic language above, it is in all other aspects identical to the 2010 document.  The document is incredibly bland and generic, which renders it value pretty much a moot point.  I am hoping that something stronger, more forward looking, and more inclusive will come out sooner rather than later.

Written testimony in Support of MD SB196

There was a bill put before the Maryland State Senate this year (which passed the Senate, YEA!!!) allowing non-binary people, such as myself, the opportunity to put a "X" as our gender marker rather than a "M" or "F".  Recently, there was an article in the Baltimore Sun about how people do not support this idea.  I wanted to post my testimony about this to give people the perspective of a non-binary person and so they can see that this is not a huge ask, but rather something which won't affect them but will aid us.

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My name is Matthew Vandover and I am submitting this written testimony in support of Senate Bill 196 which would allow people to choose an unspecified sex for their drivers’ license rather than only male or female.

I am a nonbinary individual, which means that I do not identify as either male or female.  Yet every day I am forced to identify as male or female whenever I submit an online application or form or if I fill out a paper application.  People like me are not being allowed to be ourselves, rather we are being forced into the boxes within the gender binary.  While this bill is not perfect, it is a big step forward to recognizing those of us who are non-binary.

There have been only a few opportunities in my life where I was given the option to choose an option other than male and female, and every time it was wonderful because it allowed me to be who I truly am rather than trying to force me into a box that I do not truly fit in.  My sense of identity, something that cisgender people take for granted, is something that I constantly need to affirm and present to people, so having the government officially recognize this would validate me and anyone else like me.

Every day, I am forced to see the world in gendered terms:  men’s and women’s rooms, men’s and women’s clothing, men’s and women’s sports, etc., etc., etc.  There is rarely, if ever, a choice for someone who is looking for something that is gender-neutral.  While this may not seem like a huge deal, having to constantly fight or remind myself that the gender binary is not the only way to look at the world is a huge drain on me emotionally and psychologically.

I am not a scientist, doctor, or researcher, so I cannot speak about that, all I can do is speak for myself.  By allowing me to identify myself officially as the person I am, the government would go a long way to not only validating my identity, experience, and existence, but it would make life easier and less stressful for future individuals who are non-binary.

For these reasons, I respectfully ask that you vote in favor of SB196.

Matthew Vandover

Rethinking my labels and sexuality

Over the last few months, I have been having some very nice talks with a new friend and have been thinking a lot about social justice, intersectionality, and other issues.  The other day, I had some thoughts that i needed to talk with them about and yesterday, we spent several hours talking about a whole host of things.

The reason I asked to talk with them (yes, that is their pronoun) is because I have been rethinking the label I give to my sexuality.  For years, I have referred to myself as gay because I am into guys.  But recently, I realized that I am more attracted to male biology (i.e. the penis) than guys in general.  That means that I am into cis guys, trans guys, and even (potentially) trans women who have not had bottom surgery.  The other issue I was thinking about is that since I am non-binary, it is weird to refer to myself as gay, which indicates a guy who is into other guys.  When I was thinking about all of this, it occurred to me that I am closer to pansexual, but that is not quite right either because I am not into women.  Hence, the need to talk with my friend.  After our talk, I think that it is a better fit for me to describe myself as a queer, non-binary individual.

I am fairly sure that I've said this in the past, but to me, labels are of the utmost importance.  I know there are people who see them as limiting, but I see them as me defining myself both to myself and for the world in general.  Labels also allow people to know who you are.  That is not to say that labels are all sunshine and kittens.  After all, some people use labels to bully and harm others.  Or they may use them to discriminate.

That being said, I do think the power of labels given to oneself outweighs any other issues.  There are always going to be people who disrespect any group, and I know that type of disrespect can be incredibly harmful to people.  But if you can find a community of like-minded/supportive people, it can make all the difference, even if there are people who are bullying you.  I do get that there are people who do not like labels, and that is their prerogative, but I personally see that as throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Just my thoughts.  What do you think?

On Noah Galvin's Interview

I've read the interview that Noah Galvin (from The Real O'Neals) had with Vulture magazine and I have to say that while I think he made some good points, I have to take serious issue with his comments regarding Colton Haynes coming out.

As I've said in the past on this blog, coming out is a deeply, deeply personal process that needs to be done based on the person coming out, not on the way other people would do it.  There is no right or wrong way to do it.  Some people come out of the closet to the sounds of heavenly hosts and blasting trumpets, other people come out in a much more subtle manner, and others choose not to come out at all.  Every choice is correct and none should be denigrated as "fucking pussy bullshit", which is apparently a reference to the fact that Colton never used the words "I'm gay."  While I understand that Noah may have come out differently (I honestly don't know), Colton said that he has suffered from depression and other issues and that he needed the time to come out in his own way.

Based on the interview, Noah seems to think that there is only one "right" way to come out, which is the real "fucking pussy bullshit".  I will admit that I wish every LGBTQIA person would come out of the closet, if only for their own mental health, there are people who can't for whatever reason.  As Noah rightly notes (based on what I have read in various places), there is still a deep sense of homophobia in Hollywood when it comes to out actors/actresses being hired for non-out roles.  And there are a lot of straight/cisgender actors/actresses who are playing LGBTQIA roles.  Am I saying that every LGBTQIA role *MUST* go to a LGBTQIA person?  Not necessarily, but I do think it would be a good idea.

All that being said, I was very disappointed in the very, very judgmental way Noah looked at someone else's coming out.  While I understand that he has his own opinion (and is entitled to it), what he does not have the right to do is denigrate someone else's journey because it doesn't fit the idea that he seems to have for how the process works.  Shame on you Noah.  Now go grow up.