Gender is probably one of the more misunderstood concepts in the English language. Typically, people see gender as binary, in other words a person is either male or female. If someone is transgender, then most people assume that they are either male or female which still fits into the binary gender understanding. However, the problem is that gender is very much a social construct, that is it is not something that is based in biology, but rather something that society creates in order to say that this is for men ("male") and that is for women ("female"). There are some people, myself included, who do not fit neatly into this understanding of gender.
For years, I have known that I am not truly a man in the way society understands it. In many, many ways, I am very much a female. I won't bother going into them, but they are numerous. I have also been aware that I am not transgender, so I always assumed that I was simply a more "feminine" man. Then, several weeks ago, I ran across the term "genderqueer" and realized that it described me pretty much perfectly. Before I explain what this means, I want to examine something about gender.
To understand genderqueer, you have to grasp the idea that rather than being binary, gender is more of a spectrum. Some people are more feminine, others are more masculine, and still others fall somewhere in between. For those who fall in between the poles of "masculine" and "feminine", the generic terms "genderfluid" or "genderqueer" are often used. For some people who are genderfluid, they have "male days" or "female days", in other words, they slide back and forth between being more male or more female. For me, being genderqueer means that I am neither male nor female, but rather a mix of the two.
Someone asked me why I don't use the term "androgynous". My reason for not describing myself as androgynous is that, to me, androgyny implies that you are neither male nor female, not that you are both. It may be a technical difference, but it is also an important one. So, when I say I am genderqueer what I am saying is that I am balanced between the two, I don't have "male days" or "female days", rather I am just in between the two. I like painting my nails and often do so because it is me expressing who I am. I also like wearing men's clothing, although to be honest I have never worn female clothing, but that may come later. I do have a distinctly feminine side and have a very firm picture of what she is like.
This leads me to what is probably the hardest part of the process for me- my personal pronouns. For 37 years now, I have been addressed by male pronouns because everyone assumed I am male because I have a penis. For now, I can accept that because I have not found any gender-neutral pronouns that I am completely comfortable with (although I think I am getting closer). Since I am neither male nor female, I would prefer something gender-neutral, so that is what I am looking for. I have found some places online that talk about gender-neutral pronouns and am looking to see what they are like. If you want to address me with male pronouns, feel free to do so, but I also would be find with "they" or "their" (although the plural aspect bugs me a bit).
What does this mean for you? In reality, all it means is that you now know something about me that very few people know. I am still the same person I have always been, I just now know something about myself I wasn't previously aware of and so are you. I am still attracted exclusively to men, still hope to get married, etc. In other words, I am still me.
I will update this when I come across the right pronoun for me.
